Mel Gibson is pretty attractive for an older man, he's no George Clooney, but he can be considered a DILF (if I need to explain what this is stop reading right now). One of my favorite movies, well was one, was The Patriot, I mean ladies Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger running around killing people during the American Revolution, exciting stuff I know. The last time I watched this, ok fine heard this film was in the middle of First Date Sex.
Rule #1: DO NOT whatever you do have sex on the first date.
The date started rocky as he wanted to meet me at the restaurant, legitimately had to ask him if he wanted to carpool to our date. Strike 1. Things got better conversation was good, got pretty interesting after the 4th vodka tonic. For the record I like my vodka tonic as a double in a short glass with two limes. I made a few bathroom visits once to actually pee and the second to respond to my best friend saying I did not need her to call me in 15 minutes. At the end our date a bet was made. Which movie came out first The Patriot or Titanic? This is where being a lush becomes a problem, I thought I was right, I though 100% that the Patriot came out before Titanic. Wrong.
Flash forward. We are in my room checking the release dates of the above movies and turns out im wrong. Shit. Our bet included another dinner at the location of the winners choice. Well the said winner of the bet in all his glory, decides to try and kiss me. Remember here people I am intoxicated and who doesn't love kissing. Well things escalated quite quickly and here we are in my bed lights off about to bone to Mel Gibson fighting for America. Please see rule # 1. I did not follow my own rules and here we are naked trying to get it on if you will and this fool left his socks on. Strike 2. Nothing hotter than a guy wearing only socks on his feet and a love glove on his johnson. Not knowing this guy well enough translated into the kind of sex you can't even fake. The kind where you wish a pipe would burst, or your kitchen to catch on fire just so it would end.
One would also think that if I am having one experience the second party involved would see that I am laying there like a dead fish. Strike 3. He was getting way to involved in trying to get me to the magical O phase, literally sweating on me. At this point the vodka is even screaming to make it stop. So I politely ask him to stop. No joke his response was "too much for you?" No asshole you are dripping sweat on me and your socks are in my sheets that I am now going to have to wash. Ok, so I didn't say that. But he is laying next to me and kicking back and watching Mel do his thing. I politely said I think it would be best if you left. After the awkwardness of trying to find his pants and left shoe he was finally gone and I was left with my thoughts of self pity listening to the worlds smallest violin as this whole situation was my whoreish selfs fault. A call was made and Sock Dude was added to my list, which my friends and I call The Birthday List.
You think it ends there? Oh no he proceeds to text me 2 weeks later wanting to hang out and "show me a good time". He even tried to blame the bad sex on Mel Gibson. No sir, Mel Gibson has nothing to do with you not knowing what the hell you were doing. So this whole experience taught me 2 things. 1. Never let your friends set you up with friends of friends and 2. I need somewhere new to meet guys who aren't 22 and awful in the bedroom. My horrible experience that has now ruined The Patriot lead me to the hilarity of online dating.
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