I am a nice person. At least I would like to think I am. I know some of my friends would disagree but in a general sense I am. Sure if you piss me off or give me reason to hate you I can be a total bitch. I also believe that because I am so outspoken and bluntly honest people take that for being bitchy, take it however you want but I think that's bullshit. Anyways when lucky number 3 called me asking me to go on another date my nice self couldn't decline. My hopes were maybe he moved out of his mothers womb and into a new apartment. Here's the thing with hope and expectations, I try not to mess with either because they both lead to frequent disappointment. Regardless we decided to go to lunch Sunday, a decided lunch because maybe he'll get the hint that I am not 100% down for the cause.
It turns out that one of my bestest friends was coming down Saturday night so I told him I would have to call him Sunday morning after she left. As usual my friends and my bff from home tend to get a bit out of control, and my best friend ended up talking to the jewish momma's boy. The conversation from my end was hysterical, she asked him if his roommates aka his mom was hot and talked me up so much that I'd even want to date me. She even told him that it wouldn't just be me tomorrow that we could have a double date. But unfortunately when I woke up Sunday morning all I wanted was coffee and a blunt. We go to breakfast make a stop and before noon rolls around I am feeling much better but am in desperate need for a nap. My date calls to see when he should come and pick me up and to tell me how awkward he felt telling my best friend that he lives at home. Here's a hint if you are embarrassed to talk about it than maybe its time to move out.
Anyways after our phone call I smoked entirely too much and passed out. I woke up at 3 o'clock dazed and confused with 1 missed call and 2 text messages. I had stood him up. I, in this moment, would indeed use the word bitchy to describe the circumstances. Its one thing to just ignore someone but when you have plans its just plan rude so my conscious set in and I called him back. He didn't answer. He was pissed. I am secretly thinking this is a great thing its my way out. Ten minutes later my phone buzzed away and after a short conversation he somehow was coming to pick me up. I know I know you are all thinking run for the damn hills, but as I said before I really like attention and he hit me in a weak moment. I was tired, high, still kind of hungover and why not have him pay for my meal.
We make it to a cafe in La Jolla and sit in comfortable chairs that face the water. The thing about this kid is we have entirely too much in common. We both moved to new cities when we were 6. We both have the same fake tooth. And it turns out he used to smoke and dealt weed for 9 years. The funniest part about that is he was more nervous to tell me that that he lived at home. My advice dude is start dealing again and pay your own rent. So the conversation is fine and I am thinking to myself maybe we can just shift him into the friend category and call it a day. This was not his thought process at all. As we get to talking he is getting closer and closer to me. Touching my leg, my arm, putting his arm around me. I was getting beyond uncomfortable. It weird because when it comes to sleeping with people and being naked I love it, but PDA come on now we are not in love or officially dating by Facebook standards.
My PDA Rules & Regulations are as follows. 1. Holding hands is acceptable but only in crowds 2. If we are in a full blown relationship you may kiss me in public for no longer that 25 seconds 3. You may not sit on the same side of the table as me EVER if there are only 2 of us 4. You may put your arm around my shoulders but only if I am cold and 5. You can kiss me goodbye if you have purchased dinner for me twice. My PDA Rules & Regulations are not like my other ones that fly out the window when I am in the moment. And for the record that one time at Thrusters when I made out with that guy that looks like the black kid in High School Musical totally does not count. I have hated PDA my entire life. So when this guy tries to full on make out with me in the middle of a god damn restaurant I about freaking died.
I have no doubt in my mind that in that moment of molestation that he would be down to strip right there and do it on the table. Sorry was not going to happen. The only person that ever has any opportunity at that fantasy is Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom but they would have to be in full out pirate gear. And to top it all off why would anyone want their first kiss to be watched by strangers. I either want it to be somewhere freaking awesome or in my bedroom, its just how I roll. And unfortunately for number 3 there were no sparks flying, none, zero, nada, nothing, so he is really out the running now. I was left back in square 1 trying to figure out how to get on the next Bachelor. I would make fabulous TV.
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