The Return of Ivan

Welp he is back. Ivan has returned. I little update on my online dating life. The latest bachelor, I think we are on 5, who was actually normal fell off the face of the earth. Clearly this whole OkCupid dating thing is good for free sushi dinners and hilarious stories that I can one day share with my kids. The question I and everyone else seems to be asking is why the hell do I still have a profile? The only answer I have is pure entertainment and the occasional confidence booster.

Last night I got this amazing message from crazy Ivan.

"well, isn't that's interesting,
how could it be that you're still on this website?

could you be so pretentiously picky, prudish,
or quite simply: too perfect Ms. Princess?

Oh but forgive me if I'm being "patronizing", lol.
but really, how could it be that such a
sunflower of chance like yourself
still be available?

all the wrong guys, the wrong names,
the phone numbers calling,
the messages arriving,
but never the right ones.

maybe you enjoy the attention,
after all... Who wouldn't?

but creating a new account after 6 months
and then still seeing you here,
I can't help but laugh a little at the Gods
and their luck,
so just thinking about that
for a moment has been fun.

good luck at your hummingbird chance"

The only thing I have to say besides yes I am pretentiously picky, but I do not want another googley eyed date, umbilical cord boy, or someone who is ready to marry me. I am definitely not prude in the freaking slightest. Lastly sorry for having standards Ivan, and also I am sorry that I am still on this site reading messages like this from douche bags like yourself. Do the world a favor and go get laid, you will be worlds nicer. And I officially give up.

Family Affairs: Sick.

Holy grossness. I need a moment to breathe, or maybe throw up, I am not sure which.

Well let me tell you about my day today. Just your average Thursday at the office, aimlessly stalking people on Facebook, looking at DIY wall decor, and googling how to become an extreme couponer. I work sometimes I swear. So I get back from lunch and before I start to actually be productive I went in to check my messages on OkCupid.

I sign-in, and I kid you not the first person looking back at me from my computer screen, with a whopping 71% match was MY BROTHER.

Obviously my natural first reaction was HOLY FUCK, which I then had to put .25 cents in the office swear jar for. But seriously OkCupid? My brother? It is demented and wrong, and quite frankly wanted me to lose my lunch. Not like my brother is a bad guy but no way am I into things that are a total go in Alabama. Also I would never date anyone that would be remotely similar to either one of the Ward Sons. So I took this as a sign from God or whoever is throwing signs out these days that maybe my online dating life is over.

Don't Be That Guy

I have this friend who is in a relationship with a girl who sucks. That's not really my point but she really does suck. She is boring, has weird friends, and is kind of plain. She also dislikes me a lot, which also isn't my point. Anyways moving on. They have been dating for awhile now and he seems to have the same conversation with me every freaking week about how he is "over it" and needs to end it. Well my friend it has been weeks now and you are still clearly not "over it".

Rule #12: If you are over it, end it. It's freaking common sense.

When you date someone it is natural to want to hang out, so when my friend is telling me he is avoiding hanging out with her, all signs point to dumb the bitch. I have countless times told him he is over it and just has to pull the plug, mainly because it is quite pathetic that she can't take a hint. The main problem is this girls life sucks right now and he feels bad, which fine here is your gold star but staying with someone out of pity is the worst than cheating on the girl. There is also the fact that his bedroom activity will lessen as well, which lets face it is probably 75% of the reason they are still together.

Regardless of anything a word to the wise. If you want out then get out. It is mean, selfish, and pitiful to the other party to stay involved. So gentleman please don't ever be that guy that everyone can tell would rather be single.

Girl on the Side: I Think Not.

This little gem was waiting in my inbox the other day.

"Hey so I'm gonna be completely honest here. I'm engaged ane looking for a girl on thw side. Yes I know if im looking for a girl why am I getting married, right? Well basically I would like to get it out of my system before I go through with it. And no I'm not a dog or whatever. Just a normal guy that would like to have some fun. And you are so freakin sexy its stupid. I'm tall, 6'4, dark, told to be very handsome/ cute, Italian/ French, military and 26. I don't have any pics on here but if ur interested then hit me up on my email, sdrider82@___.com. or send me ur email. If ur interested at least get to see who I really am.
And fuck my life your so sexy! Oh yeah, said that already."

 A few things.

1. I have never or will I ever be a girl on the side.
2. Learn how to spell.
3. You are correct you are not a dog, you are the biggest douche ever.
4. I don't do military.
5. If you are going to "go through with it" then maybe shes not the right girl for you.

Lastly this maybe Chris Harrison doing a new segment and instead of pegging child molesters he is outing home wreckers. So to sdrider82 I will indeed be passing on this lovely offer.

Monday Night Partying: Not My Cup of tEa.

When I graduated from college I hung my weeknight party hat because quite frankly I can't function like I used to while hungover. But every now and then I some how get persuaded into coming out of my "career life" during the week. Yes, to answer your question despite common belief and despite that fact I belong on VH1's Tool Academy this girl has a career side. Anyways so when a friend of mine was visiting his college town Monday night I had no choice but to go out.

Can we just pause for a moment and talk about how every time anyone post grad goes out during the week the night starts with, "I am going to only have a beer." This my friends is a bold faced lie. Let's be real here and face the facts, no SDSU alumni can have a get together talk about the grand old days of drinking for weeks at a time and only consume one beer. Monday night was no different.

After Coachella I found some party favors in my car and have been carting them around in my purse waiting for an opportunity to put them to use. Now I had no idea that when I brought this to the attention of some of my guy friends that they were going to use this party favor on the Almost Birthday Boy visiting. Now when someone is not so suave and tries to pull one over on the Birthday Boy and slip something into his drink, he is clearly not going to chug his now fizzing drugged beverage.  Being the nice (and by nice I mean insane) person I am I swapped drinks and drank the fizzing substance.

So today I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a fantastic individual who puts up with my whining and bitching everyday, and who overall supports my decisions good or bad. But he should be thanking me for being awesome and partying it up on a Monday night. You are welcome my friend you are welcome.

Coachella: Oh. M. Gee.

Four days later and I am still dealing with the Coachella plague. BUT it was all 100% totally worth it. Camping with some of my favorite people in the desert, frolicking on the grassy knolls of the polo fields, and dancing the night away to musical perfection all made my weekend magical. Despite the gnarly car searches and spending 5 hours at an In-n-Out overall the whole experience was amazing and needs to be added to everyones bucket list.

Now, why is it that anywhere I go ghosts of dudes past haunt me? Dudes of Dates Past started haunting me even before venturing into the desert last week. First and foremost Jew Boy texted me asking if we could forget how things ended...oh you mean forget that I told you you are a weirdo and was over it? Anyways he wanted to meet up, lets just say I ran for the effing hills during Kings of Leon when I saw him. I had no desire to see if his mom had accompanied him to Coachella to make him dinner and get good standing room for all the shows.

Then there was LA Dude. Holy freaking needy. He seemed to have broken up with his latest and greatest wife to be and was in need of a Coachella Companion. He pestered me for a solid morning making sure I would hang out with him. Beyond that he wanted me to find him a wife, blow job girl for the weekend, and perspective hook-ups. Was this somehow in the terms of him buying me dinner that I am no responsible to find him a way to get head? I don't effing think so.

Fast forward to Day 1 of the best weekend of my life. He sends me a text announcing his arrival so I tell him I will meet him in the back of the Sahara tent. I venture to the back of the tent see him in the distance and go up and say hello. For one he acts like he has no idea who I am and no joke this asshole says three whole words to me and scampers off with a very nice girl to get a drink. He proceeds to text me later in the weekend only when needing a blow job, which I told him could be purchased by the churros and frozen lemonade, and for a ride when his car battery died. So a few things I have to say to my dearest LA Dude. 1. It is no wonder you are single, you are a basket case of emotions. 2. Please don't come to me with your needs because I could give two shits. And 3. Please don't chat with me about making plans ever again because quite frankly I have nothing more to say to you other than fuck off. The world does not (despite what you think) revolve around you my friend.

None the less Indio I will see you next year for another weekend of Lady Gaga sky writing, hour long discussions on flying ducks and collar bones, and endless amounts of giggles. Peace. Love. Coachella.

Appropriate Times to Lie.

I am only ever honest. Honesty real is the best policy. However I am all about lying at Planned Parenthood to for one score birth control as well as to avoid judgement from registered nurses who think I need to keep my legs closed. Last year I lied through my teeth. I of course lied about my number and no way was I going to say how much I really drink in a week. But this Saturday I decided that since I am safe about my bedroom activities it shouldn't matter if I lie or not...

I walked into my 8:30am appointment hungover and wanting to be in my bed. I filled out my necessary paperwork and waited. I got my finger poked and peed in the cup for the annual testing and waited for the questioning to commence. The nurse comes in, brown bag in hand and sits down.

First order of business she asks me about my annual vag examines and other medical questions and then moved onto the fun part.

Nurse: How many new partners have you had?
Me: (Counts on fingers) 5.
Nurse: In the past year?
Me: It was a crazy year.
Nurse: Are you in a monogamous relationship?
Me: Clearly not.
Nurse: (Walks over to drawer opens it and pulls out more condoms)

She didn't even ask me about my drinking, but I think she assumed the worst as my answers clearly are not what she wanted to hear. I've decided I had it right the first time around, lying to avoid judgement is beyond appropriate.