I am a big fan of lists. To do lists, grocery lists, packing lists, lists, lists, lists. They make life simple, organized, and as I am borederline OCD so with that I have been infatuated with lists almost my whole life. It makes sense that I needed to list my entire list of notchs on my bedpost as well. Where I am not going to flat out tell you My Number lets just say I can't recite it off the top of my head. I can tell you a majority of their names and what My Number actually is but sometimes I'll forget a few.
Rule #3: Write down your list and always have a constant.
I have amazing friends. Seriously, I have found the best friends a girl could ask for and they all know everything about everything. The great thing is where not everyone of them agrees with how much sex I need to function overall they will listen to my tales of one night stands and understand that I am a go getter for things I need. So naturally one of my college best friends decided she was going to keep my list because she wanted to 1. make sure I wasn't becoming too big of a slut and 2. to make sure I have accuarte accounts of my bedroom activities. She keeps it on her phone and it is titled The Birthday List, mainly because if anyone were to find it I would not want it to read Dudes She Has Effed, they'll just think they aren't invited to my cock fest of "my birthday".
FBO for most is the dreaded Facbook Official, really Facebook has to tell me i'm in a relationship before it counts? But last night my roommates/best friend/other half coined the phrase Fuck Buddy Official. Girls if you are single then you need absoultely are in need of a Constant. Its a great way to have your needs taken care of without upping your numbers. The need for a Constant is like the need to recycle. It's better for the enviroment. It helps keep you happy and not to mention clean, and provides a more enjoyable life all around.
The rules for FBO/Constant status are simple. The entire relationship needs to be based on the mutual understanding of needing to bone on a regular basis. For it to work their can be no feelings involved: no jealousy, no liking, no anything. My most recent dude listed as my Constant makes my brain hurt. Literally I am not sure how it has been going on for so long. The problem with my damn rules is they are in place for a reason but my sex/vodka loving self tends to do whatever I see fit between the hours of midnight and 3am regardless of my brilliant rules. So when I am being ingored by my FBO I get a little pissed, not in a you better not be talking to other people way but in a we have an agreement to uphold here so get on it sir. It has come to my attention after this weekend and intoxicated enduced conversations that I need a new Constant, as mine is flakey and the role doesn't involve texting me about what you would like to be doing to me but acting upon these thoughts and making things happen. Please RSVP by sending photo and resume of any potentials to TheNextNumber@TheBirthdayList.com.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Numero Dos: Googly Eye
As I write to you all I am coping with the standard Saturday morning hangover so bare with me. I love attention. But at least I can admit it. So when LA Dude started not communicating anymore I was craving attention and a bottle of wine. I am a white wine girl personally so as I drowned my disappointment with a bottle of riesling I was reading through my inbox. There were the standard awful messages from guys who you know haven't had sex in at least 3 and a half years. In the bundle was a mediocre message from a lawyer who lived near me and was normal, or so I thought.
I gave him my standard qualifiers of colgate vs. crest, arrowhead water, and the lakers. We started messaging regularly and after another night of my wine diet I gave him my number. He texted me regularly and was ready to meet me, and lets be real who wouldn't. Kidding. Kind of. Anyways on a Monday night I got home from work and was hanging with my friends as they studied for finals and he asked me if we could go get a drink. I said sure and then smoked a bowl. I may be a confident, borderline cocky, but I get nervous for first dates just like everyone else. I need to relieve my stress.
I get dressed, get my outfit approved, smoke one more just to be safe, and set out to meet bachelor number 2 brought to you by OkCupid. We decided to meet downtown at East Village Tavern. I parked my car, sent the "here" texts and waited for him to come out of his high rise building. Now keep in mind I am stoned, its cold, and I am the most impatient person ever. He finally comes out of the building and red flag one dude is short. When you lie on your online profile make it about things like how much money you make and your long term goals, not how tall you are. Why would you lie about something that is clearly visible when we meet? 5'10' my ass, he was 5'6" at best, and he was wearing a sweatshirt, jeans, and flip flops. I'm not saying I was dressed to the nines but first impressions are a big thing for me.
We go to the bar order some Stellas and the conversing commences. Right away I know this guy isn't moving past date 1. First of all his favorite band is My Chemical Romance. My response was you don't seem to be a 13 year old emo girl who slits her wrists but you may be. No seriously though of all the music out there that was his number 1, i'm fucked. The date continued down this downward spiral with every conversation topic, family, friends, life time goals. We were at the opposite sides of every discussion and my high was slowly being killed. And to top it off his right eye was googly. Literally made crazy eights. At first I though maybe I was high and imagining things, again I was wrong.
I am usually right, but when mixed with beer and weed my morals and intuition are out the window. Side note my best friend last night said she can tell within seconds if she like a person kind of like a dog, then our close guy friend says oh like a bitch, her response yea i'm your bitch. She kills me. Anyways during my date she did her frequent check ins to make sure I was alive. So where were we? Oh yea the crazy eye that I couldn't stop looking at. It was almost like a nervous twitch, but worse. After two beers I suggested we leave as I had work and needed to leave before I started laughing at his eye.
On my drive home I am contemplating to myself why I am even trying to find people online? I am 22, young, and have issues with commitment. What the fuck am I trying to do? Besides working on my conversation skills which already are amazing I have no idea what prompted me to want to date online. I had flashes of Sock Dude and remembered, I was struggling to meet anyone worthy in bars/car washes/roller rinks. As I made my way into my apartment and recounted the awful date and eye situation that I just encountered to all my roommates, the question loomed. Are you going to stay online?
Over the next few days I got a few text messages from the Sir Googly Eye and never responded. Was he not on the same date? He had to know we had nothing in common and that his eye will be a relationship killer for life. I know its mean and insincere but I can not have my kids inherit that gene. I would never put a child at risk for that kind of cruel punishment while growing up. I came to the decision I was going to continue to try and meet Mr. Right Now or I need to join the cast of Jersey Shore and "get it in" with guys who GTL.
Friday, January 28, 2011
The First: LA Dude
When I came back from my first hiatus I wanted a clean slate. I uploaded a new self portrait brought to you by iPhoto, edited my about me, and off I went into round 2 of this web-based world of disgusting pick-up lines. All my terrible messages from round 1 were still in my inbox, so naturally I had to clean them out and reread some for some LOLs and LMFAOs. Then I stumble upon one I didn't remember and clicked on his little face to bring up his profile, and what do you know he just may be even more of a sarcastic cynical pistol than I am. I like a majority of what I read and despite his pictures being on the verge of too hipster with the lowest V necks ever and manrey (jewelry for men get it?) I decided to respond to his opening remarks of "you had me at black iced tea". We bantered back and forth for about an hour or so and then he upgraded me to phone status and gave me his number. Similar interest included: sushi, killing house plants, being musical snobs, and having a love for Apple products. There was one thing I was unsure of he was 29, soon to be 30. That is 8 full years ahead of me and my recently graduate still partying immature self, and he also lived in LA hence the nickname, which is too far to be starting any sort of romantic involvement. A little FYI guys, you will be referred to as your nickname by my mother and friends until you are proven worthy to be called by your actual name.
Rule #2: 30 and above, they are ready for love. Date older but not too old.
Our texting conversations ranged from how was your day to finding out more about one another. I was into his sarcastic views and shared similar mentalities about life happenings, and not to mention our musical tastes were perfectly in tact. Once we were involved in your texting relationship our daily hour long phone calls commenced. Lets be real here I love talking on the phone but for me to dedicate and hour a day to some dude, holy hell I just may be into this one. After about a month or so it was happening, we were going to meet, obviously in a public place, and I was going to actual go on my first online date.
We met on a Sunday for an early dinner after he got done serving his community for a DUI charge. I know what your thinking you would go after another alcohol enthusiast. I walked in with anxiety and nervousness because what if he was a serial rapist who wanted to sell me into sex slavery. That was not in the Terms & Conditions of the website so naturally I texted the friends and family to let them know my exact location so they could start there if I went missing. Our date went well despite the fact that I had to eat sushi with my hands because I am chopstick challenged, and I'm pretty sure our waiter does bad porn for a second job. Turns out LA dude was pretty normal, I use that in a loose sense because he is as normal as I am. However after our first date he wanted to fly me to Texas for his birthday. Imagine meeting his friends/family, oh hi we met online had one date and now he flew me to Texas? No thanks, i'm good at dealing with awkward but hello thats just plain weird.
Our relationship continues through the week after our first date, including cute text messages, late night phone calls, and picture messaging throughout our days. Then after I decline his proposal to be flown to a different state I drove my ass to LA picked him up from the airport and we proceeded to date 2. Ok maybe not date 2 more like date 1.5 as we sat in his apartment ate sushi and watched one of Adam Sandler's better movies You Don't Mess with the Zohan (kididng). We end with a goodbye kiss and off I go with the thoughts of am I really going to make this drive frequently? He made the decision easy, he got weird. I mean like zero communication.
Over Facebook chat he says I am not good at dating, he wanted a wife or meaningless sex. His words not mine. ATTENTION: You have to date someone in order to marry them, its how the fucking world works. Unless you believe in arranged marriages then sucks for you but yea you have to court me, buy me dinner, meet my family, you know normal couple things. Here I am pissed because here is this dude who I was actually interested in and he has to go get all I don't date on me. Why the hell sir are you on an online dating, key word dating, website? So my advice 30 and above they are ready for love, marriage family, kids and the whole shabang in a very short time period. Single Girls of the World keep in mind rule #2 date older because lets face it guys mature as slow as molasses, but don't date too old or you are wedged into the marriage corner within 2 dates. Its unfortunate that for those of us lower on the age ladder who want to see where things go that people like this exists to waste my time, gas, and effort. LA Dude and I still chat every so often and the proposal for marriages is thrown out there like he is asking me what I want from Starbucks. My first online date gave me hope and then as usual expectations were shot down like those ducks on the old Ninetendo game.
Rule #2: 30 and above, they are ready for love. Date older but not too old.
Our texting conversations ranged from how was your day to finding out more about one another. I was into his sarcastic views and shared similar mentalities about life happenings, and not to mention our musical tastes were perfectly in tact. Once we were involved in your texting relationship our daily hour long phone calls commenced. Lets be real here I love talking on the phone but for me to dedicate and hour a day to some dude, holy hell I just may be into this one. After about a month or so it was happening, we were going to meet, obviously in a public place, and I was going to actual go on my first online date.
We met on a Sunday for an early dinner after he got done serving his community for a DUI charge. I know what your thinking you would go after another alcohol enthusiast. I walked in with anxiety and nervousness because what if he was a serial rapist who wanted to sell me into sex slavery. That was not in the Terms & Conditions of the website so naturally I texted the friends and family to let them know my exact location so they could start there if I went missing. Our date went well despite the fact that I had to eat sushi with my hands because I am chopstick challenged, and I'm pretty sure our waiter does bad porn for a second job. Turns out LA dude was pretty normal, I use that in a loose sense because he is as normal as I am. However after our first date he wanted to fly me to Texas for his birthday. Imagine meeting his friends/family, oh hi we met online had one date and now he flew me to Texas? No thanks, i'm good at dealing with awkward but hello thats just plain weird.
Our relationship continues through the week after our first date, including cute text messages, late night phone calls, and picture messaging throughout our days. Then after I decline his proposal to be flown to a different state I drove my ass to LA picked him up from the airport and we proceeded to date 2. Ok maybe not date 2 more like date 1.5 as we sat in his apartment ate sushi and watched one of Adam Sandler's better movies You Don't Mess with the Zohan (kididng). We end with a goodbye kiss and off I go with the thoughts of am I really going to make this drive frequently? He made the decision easy, he got weird. I mean like zero communication.
Over Facebook chat he says I am not good at dating, he wanted a wife or meaningless sex. His words not mine. ATTENTION: You have to date someone in order to marry them, its how the fucking world works. Unless you believe in arranged marriages then sucks for you but yea you have to court me, buy me dinner, meet my family, you know normal couple things. Here I am pissed because here is this dude who I was actually interested in and he has to go get all I don't date on me. Why the hell sir are you on an online dating, key word dating, website? So my advice 30 and above they are ready for love, marriage family, kids and the whole shabang in a very short time period. Single Girls of the World keep in mind rule #2 date older because lets face it guys mature as slow as molasses, but don't date too old or you are wedged into the marriage corner within 2 dates. Its unfortunate that for those of us lower on the age ladder who want to see where things go that people like this exists to waste my time, gas, and effort. LA Dude and I still chat every so often and the proposal for marriages is thrown out there like he is asking me what I want from Starbucks. My first online date gave me hope and then as usual expectations were shot down like those ducks on the old Ninetendo game.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Profile: How to make guys want you.
Technically speaking I have been an OkCupid member since May. I signed up because my college roommate and long time friend had moved to the Big Apple and used the site to meet people, and I was struggling with meeting worthy men/guys/boys I was curious. After the 3rd week of sorting through messages indlucing everything from "hey girl" to "heres my address come blow me" I was over it and disabled it. I could push my curosity past its infant stages and actually grow a pair and become 1 of 5 people to start a relationship online (thanks Match.com for my statistics). Then the whole Sock Dude Sex on the First Date thing happened I committed to online dating and my adventures began.
Building my profile was like going on an effing job interview. I want to know why people who like the same movies and food groups get along so well. Maybe my soul mate loves Jackie Chan movies while I am a Bruce Lee fanatic? Regardless the preselected questions in which I tried my hardest to take seriously ended up being sarcastic humors answers that I don't even know if I would pick from a list. I would even say that I am above average flirter but how in the world do I make guys want to date me through a computer screen?Yea I have no idea. Needless to say my about me goes a little bit like this:
"I'm that girl that everyone tells their secrets to. Relatively feisty yet a good listener. Born in Denver but consider myself California grown. Tend to be loud and I am one that believes in no shame hence my above par confidence level. Avid believer of karma and owning up to your actions. I speak fluent sarcasm and am a college graduate due to my fine bull shitting abilities. Honesty is something I value, and am as straight forward as they come. Fortune cookies make me laugh. My horoscope is freakishly accurate all the time . My memory is spot on, and I frequently win bets because of it. I don't do well with organized religion kudos to you if you do but i'll take a pass. I have an extreme fetish for Tejava and ChapStick. Lastly I make snap judgements and am usually right, so if you use Colgate toothpaste you are already in the negative"
My biggest shock on this whole online dating thing is gentleman just because you are behind a computer screen it does not mean you can be rude. Just because I am blonde, fun, and cute does not mean I am dumb so quit asking me to qualify myself to you. Chances are I wouldn't even date you anyways. My favorite message ever an average Joe called my poor, desperate, lonely, and cute. Ok you wonder why you are single? Now I know why people pay to be on these sites the free ones are filled with pedophiles, men who live with their mothers, and people with no social skills.
For some reason my no bullshit sarcasm is appealing to a very slim margin of guys I would even remotely consider dating. You know what they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, at the moment online dating is only handing me more frogs.
Building my profile was like going on an effing job interview. I want to know why people who like the same movies and food groups get along so well. Maybe my soul mate loves Jackie Chan movies while I am a Bruce Lee fanatic? Regardless the preselected questions in which I tried my hardest to take seriously ended up being sarcastic humors answers that I don't even know if I would pick from a list. I would even say that I am above average flirter but how in the world do I make guys want to date me through a computer screen?Yea I have no idea. Needless to say my about me goes a little bit like this:
"I'm that girl that everyone tells their secrets to. Relatively feisty yet a good listener. Born in Denver but consider myself California grown. Tend to be loud and I am one that believes in no shame hence my above par confidence level. Avid believer of karma and owning up to your actions. I speak fluent sarcasm and am a college graduate due to my fine bull shitting abilities. Honesty is something I value, and am as straight forward as they come. Fortune cookies make me laugh. My horoscope is freakishly accurate all the time . My memory is spot on, and I frequently win bets because of it. I don't do well with organized religion kudos to you if you do but i'll take a pass. I have an extreme fetish for Tejava and ChapStick. Lastly I make snap judgements and am usually right, so if you use Colgate toothpaste you are already in the negative"
My biggest shock on this whole online dating thing is gentleman just because you are behind a computer screen it does not mean you can be rude. Just because I am blonde, fun, and cute does not mean I am dumb so quit asking me to qualify myself to you. Chances are I wouldn't even date you anyways. My favorite message ever an average Joe called my poor, desperate, lonely, and cute. Ok you wonder why you are single? Now I know why people pay to be on these sites the free ones are filled with pedophiles, men who live with their mothers, and people with no social skills.
For some reason my no bullshit sarcasm is appealing to a very slim margin of guys I would even remotely consider dating. You know what they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, at the moment online dating is only handing me more frogs.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Decision: How I ended up online.
Mel Gibson is pretty attractive for an older man, he's no George Clooney, but he can be considered a DILF (if I need to explain what this is stop reading right now). One of my favorite movies, well was one, was The Patriot, I mean ladies Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger running around killing people during the American Revolution, exciting stuff I know. The last time I watched this, ok fine heard this film was in the middle of First Date Sex.
Rule #1: DO NOT whatever you do have sex on the first date.
The date started rocky as he wanted to meet me at the restaurant, legitimately had to ask him if he wanted to carpool to our date. Strike 1. Things got better conversation was good, got pretty interesting after the 4th vodka tonic. For the record I like my vodka tonic as a double in a short glass with two limes. I made a few bathroom visits once to actually pee and the second to respond to my best friend saying I did not need her to call me in 15 minutes. At the end our date a bet was made. Which movie came out first The Patriot or Titanic? This is where being a lush becomes a problem, I thought I was right, I though 100% that the Patriot came out before Titanic. Wrong.
Flash forward. We are in my room checking the release dates of the above movies and turns out im wrong. Shit. Our bet included another dinner at the location of the winners choice. Well the said winner of the bet in all his glory, decides to try and kiss me. Remember here people I am intoxicated and who doesn't love kissing. Well things escalated quite quickly and here we are in my bed lights off about to bone to Mel Gibson fighting for America. Please see rule # 1. I did not follow my own rules and here we are naked trying to get it on if you will and this fool left his socks on. Strike 2. Nothing hotter than a guy wearing only socks on his feet and a love glove on his johnson. Not knowing this guy well enough translated into the kind of sex you can't even fake. The kind where you wish a pipe would burst, or your kitchen to catch on fire just so it would end.
One would also think that if I am having one experience the second party involved would see that I am laying there like a dead fish. Strike 3. He was getting way to involved in trying to get me to the magical O phase, literally sweating on me. At this point the vodka is even screaming to make it stop. So I politely ask him to stop. No joke his response was "too much for you?" No asshole you are dripping sweat on me and your socks are in my sheets that I am now going to have to wash. Ok, so I didn't say that. But he is laying next to me and kicking back and watching Mel do his thing. I politely said I think it would be best if you left. After the awkwardness of trying to find his pants and left shoe he was finally gone and I was left with my thoughts of self pity listening to the worlds smallest violin as this whole situation was my whoreish selfs fault. A call was made and Sock Dude was added to my list, which my friends and I call The Birthday List.
You think it ends there? Oh no he proceeds to text me 2 weeks later wanting to hang out and "show me a good time". He even tried to blame the bad sex on Mel Gibson. No sir, Mel Gibson has nothing to do with you not knowing what the hell you were doing. So this whole experience taught me 2 things. 1. Never let your friends set you up with friends of friends and 2. I need somewhere new to meet guys who aren't 22 and awful in the bedroom. My horrible experience that has now ruined The Patriot lead me to the hilarity of online dating.
Rule #1: DO NOT whatever you do have sex on the first date.
The date started rocky as he wanted to meet me at the restaurant, legitimately had to ask him if he wanted to carpool to our date. Strike 1. Things got better conversation was good, got pretty interesting after the 4th vodka tonic. For the record I like my vodka tonic as a double in a short glass with two limes. I made a few bathroom visits once to actually pee and the second to respond to my best friend saying I did not need her to call me in 15 minutes. At the end our date a bet was made. Which movie came out first The Patriot or Titanic? This is where being a lush becomes a problem, I thought I was right, I though 100% that the Patriot came out before Titanic. Wrong.
Flash forward. We are in my room checking the release dates of the above movies and turns out im wrong. Shit. Our bet included another dinner at the location of the winners choice. Well the said winner of the bet in all his glory, decides to try and kiss me. Remember here people I am intoxicated and who doesn't love kissing. Well things escalated quite quickly and here we are in my bed lights off about to bone to Mel Gibson fighting for America. Please see rule # 1. I did not follow my own rules and here we are naked trying to get it on if you will and this fool left his socks on. Strike 2. Nothing hotter than a guy wearing only socks on his feet and a love glove on his johnson. Not knowing this guy well enough translated into the kind of sex you can't even fake. The kind where you wish a pipe would burst, or your kitchen to catch on fire just so it would end.
One would also think that if I am having one experience the second party involved would see that I am laying there like a dead fish. Strike 3. He was getting way to involved in trying to get me to the magical O phase, literally sweating on me. At this point the vodka is even screaming to make it stop. So I politely ask him to stop. No joke his response was "too much for you?" No asshole you are dripping sweat on me and your socks are in my sheets that I am now going to have to wash. Ok, so I didn't say that. But he is laying next to me and kicking back and watching Mel do his thing. I politely said I think it would be best if you left. After the awkwardness of trying to find his pants and left shoe he was finally gone and I was left with my thoughts of self pity listening to the worlds smallest violin as this whole situation was my whoreish selfs fault. A call was made and Sock Dude was added to my list, which my friends and I call The Birthday List.
You think it ends there? Oh no he proceeds to text me 2 weeks later wanting to hang out and "show me a good time". He even tried to blame the bad sex on Mel Gibson. No sir, Mel Gibson has nothing to do with you not knowing what the hell you were doing. So this whole experience taught me 2 things. 1. Never let your friends set you up with friends of friends and 2. I need somewhere new to meet guys who aren't 22 and awful in the bedroom. My horrible experience that has now ruined The Patriot lead me to the hilarity of online dating.
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