There is always moment when you realize you need to reread text messages from a night of drinking. As I've been in party mode lately, this has been happening on the reg. And by party mode I mean waking up still intoxicated to the point where if I got pulled over I would indeed get a DUI. Whenever I see an increase in my party habits I see an increase of damage control I have to do after a night of drunk texting. I hardly filter my sober self, so you can imagine what kind of things are sent during prime party hours.
Rule#11: Respond to drunk texts at your own risk.
I for one become uber feisty and beyond honest. I also seem to think that drunk me is always on a mission to find some. Recently I had a night where I texted anyone who has had remote chemistry with me within the last 6 months and sent out a booty call mass text. This is what one would say is a problem. But as you all know I have recently decide to abstain from boning, and am still holding strong.
Last night after a devastating loss to UConn I proceeded to drink my troubles away. I also decided during this time to send some lovely text messages. When your first text message says "you are annoying all the time" chances are you should not be having this conversation. The Constant obviously knew I had been drinking and proceed to respond anyways and the arguing began. My personal feeling is if you get a drunk text and are sober and decide to respond and I respond being rude/mean/feisty its your own damn fault. Needless to say we bantered back and forth, and mind you we are strictly sex friends, so why/what we are arguing about doesn't even really matter. The main point was I wanted some (regardless of the fact I am abstaining) and he was being lame.
Typically if we can't arrange a rendezvous we spend the rest of the evening composing dirty messages. Side note - sexting is completely pointless for me, and I am a pretty visual person. But anyways he seems to enjoy it so why not help the guy out. But unfortunately last night we didn't even get to that because my wasted self loves to argue. So word to the wise if you receive a drunk text for me respond at your own risk.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I'm Not Religious But...
I am going to abstain from having sex. This is my oath to the world wide web that for the next 30 days I will be sex free. I know every single person just laughed out loud and doesn't believe me. I don't even know if I believe me, but that's the problem right there. Maybe I am maturing I don't know is all I do know is I am over being that girl. I have had more whoreish moments that a large portion of my friends and its time to change how people view me. My responses so far from this little experiment include a good luck and the rest laughed.
My reasoning behind this crazy idea is if in the past month you have been called a slut multiple times even in a joking manner there has to be truth in it. First of all I could really fucking care less because I would bet hands down that my life is way more entertaining than most. But let me just say from a girl that doesn't mind sharing about my past experiences is everyone is so damn critical and judgemental. If everyone were more honest in the world it would be a better place, so I know that everyone has had some form of slutty moment in their lives but finds it embarrassing. I find these stories to be beyond funny and have made you into the person you are today so fucking own up people.
Finally I think I am a pretty amazing person. Seriously. I am effing legit. But for some reason I am in this double standard of things where any guy I know that has as much game as I do in the bedroom would be praised for it and here I am getting judged. Also the person I have been screwing lately I needs to be cut so lets just make this to a whole I am not boning at all thing and see how long it lasts. Betting start at $50.
My reasoning behind this crazy idea is if in the past month you have been called a slut multiple times even in a joking manner there has to be truth in it. First of all I could really fucking care less because I would bet hands down that my life is way more entertaining than most. But let me just say from a girl that doesn't mind sharing about my past experiences is everyone is so damn critical and judgemental. If everyone were more honest in the world it would be a better place, so I know that everyone has had some form of slutty moment in their lives but finds it embarrassing. I find these stories to be beyond funny and have made you into the person you are today so fucking own up people.
Finally I think I am a pretty amazing person. Seriously. I am effing legit. But for some reason I am in this double standard of things where any guy I know that has as much game as I do in the bedroom would be praised for it and here I am getting judged. Also the person I have been screwing lately I needs to be cut so lets just make this to a whole I am not boning at all thing and see how long it lasts. Betting start at $50.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Slut Saturdays: Booty Call on a Whole New Level
Typically you receive the booty call after midnight and it is typically infused with alcohol and happens on the walk home from Roberto's with a California Burrito in hand. You know that if your phone is ringing past midnight Thursday through Saturday you are being summoned by someone on your list to rekindle the non romance of your strictly boning relationship you have established. Now my problem with the typical time frame of when a booty call takes place is I frequently party entirely too hard so come midnight I am no position to arrange a secret rendezvous or let alone perform amazingly.
Rule #10: Screw the time frame, get it when you need it.
By 10 pm Friday I had already done a keg stand, chugged a 40oz Smirnoff Ice (thank you to whomever Iced me), and did the usual shots to the face. By the time I actually made it to the bars my vision was pretty blurry and I am about 75% sure I was out for maybe a half hour. So when I ventured back to the house party I started out at my phone was dead and I was right there with it. As I charged my phone and took a power nap in my best friends bed I had one thing on my mind, a booty call. Well ok that and a California Burrito.
Once my phone was ready to go I ventured to Roberto's with the rest of the drunkards and placed my call. Here's a hint if you are more wasted than the person answering your call you should probably just hang up. Because I was in no shape to even being trying to coordinate a booty call. The great thing is I wasn't any way disappointed because 1. I got my burrito and 2. I was too wasted to care about anything other than the carne adase fry amazingness. At least for the next few hour.
I awoke at 8am Saturday and I still had my craving for sex. I decided to say fuck the rules and make an AM booty call. I kicked out a friend who crashed in my bed and told her she had to leave so I could get my fix. The Constant showed up and 9:30 and we handled our ish. It was amazing, way better than the cup of coffee I had originally planned. Now let me ask you this was your Saturday morning as productive as mine? Unless you can say you boned, cleaned your apartment, and made it to the gym by noon, I am going to say I win.
Rule #10: Screw the time frame, get it when you need it.
By 10 pm Friday I had already done a keg stand, chugged a 40oz Smirnoff Ice (thank you to whomever Iced me), and did the usual shots to the face. By the time I actually made it to the bars my vision was pretty blurry and I am about 75% sure I was out for maybe a half hour. So when I ventured back to the house party I started out at my phone was dead and I was right there with it. As I charged my phone and took a power nap in my best friends bed I had one thing on my mind, a booty call. Well ok that and a California Burrito.
Once my phone was ready to go I ventured to Roberto's with the rest of the drunkards and placed my call. Here's a hint if you are more wasted than the person answering your call you should probably just hang up. Because I was in no shape to even being trying to coordinate a booty call. The great thing is I wasn't any way disappointed because 1. I got my burrito and 2. I was too wasted to care about anything other than the carne adase fry amazingness. At least for the next few hour.
I awoke at 8am Saturday and I still had my craving for sex. I decided to say fuck the rules and make an AM booty call. I kicked out a friend who crashed in my bed and told her she had to leave so I could get my fix. The Constant showed up and 9:30 and we handled our ish. It was amazing, way better than the cup of coffee I had originally planned. Now let me ask you this was your Saturday morning as productive as mine? Unless you can say you boned, cleaned your apartment, and made it to the gym by noon, I am going to say I win.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Cracking Codes: What It All Really Means
"Let's watch a movie". If you were born anywhere north of 1980 you know that when some asks you to come watch a movie there will be NO movie watching. There will be a heavy make-out session that could lead to pants dropping and upping your numbers, but in no way shape or form will you be watching this so called movie. You can try and watch it but chances are you will end up like me and have to rent The Town on Redbox later this week to actually understand what happened.
When you receive the "let's watch a movie" text message you must automatically understand the situation. If you are planning on accepting you will need to expect heavy cuddling and a bit of fondling. Last night when I got got back home after a busy day caterering to my mama I was asked by Bachelor # 4 to come over and "watch a movie". I was so effing tired I almost declined but that prompted him to call me and tell me how much he wanted to hang out and I could come in sweats and we would honestly just "watch a movie".
Upon arrival we decided on The Town and layed down in his very comfortable bed and the movie began. Forgive me but when I expressed how tired I was and how I just wanted to chill, and because this is only our 2nd god damn date, I thought that messaged screamed I am not sleeping with you. But let's face it ladies this is how every man sees the movie situation. You are in his bed, lights off, cuddling, and watching some action movie that is bound to have some skanky sex scene, they can't help themselves. What even blows my mind even more I was no where near looking hot last night. I was in freaking sweat pants and a tshirt, no where was my outfit screaming that I want to bone. None the less not even a third into this movie and some how were making out.
I would just like to say my old self would have been exactly where this guy intended me to be. But I refrained. I was that girl that pulled the tired card and pretended I did not know what his intentions were when I agreed to come over in the first place. News Flash Cupid #4 I totally know you wanted to nail me and resisted. I am not going to lie it felt amazing to be a tease. I know thats wrong but maybe guys shouldn't assume they are going to get laid by simply putting on a movie. Let's try a little harder here gentleman and at least butter me up with some popcorn.
When you receive the "let's watch a movie" text message you must automatically understand the situation. If you are planning on accepting you will need to expect heavy cuddling and a bit of fondling. Last night when I got got back home after a busy day caterering to my mama I was asked by Bachelor # 4 to come over and "watch a movie". I was so effing tired I almost declined but that prompted him to call me and tell me how much he wanted to hang out and I could come in sweats and we would honestly just "watch a movie".
Upon arrival we decided on The Town and layed down in his very comfortable bed and the movie began. Forgive me but when I expressed how tired I was and how I just wanted to chill, and because this is only our 2nd god damn date, I thought that messaged screamed I am not sleeping with you. But let's face it ladies this is how every man sees the movie situation. You are in his bed, lights off, cuddling, and watching some action movie that is bound to have some skanky sex scene, they can't help themselves. What even blows my mind even more I was no where near looking hot last night. I was in freaking sweat pants and a tshirt, no where was my outfit screaming that I want to bone. None the less not even a third into this movie and some how were making out.
I would just like to say my old self would have been exactly where this guy intended me to be. But I refrained. I was that girl that pulled the tired card and pretended I did not know what his intentions were when I agreed to come over in the first place. News Flash Cupid #4 I totally know you wanted to nail me and resisted. I am not going to lie it felt amazing to be a tease. I know thats wrong but maybe guys shouldn't assume they are going to get laid by simply putting on a movie. Let's try a little harder here gentleman and at least butter me up with some popcorn.
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