Monday Night Partying: Not My Cup of tEa.

When I graduated from college I hung my weeknight party hat because quite frankly I can't function like I used to while hungover. But every now and then I some how get persuaded into coming out of my "career life" during the week. Yes, to answer your question despite common belief and despite that fact I belong on VH1's Tool Academy this girl has a career side. Anyways so when a friend of mine was visiting his college town Monday night I had no choice but to go out.

Can we just pause for a moment and talk about how every time anyone post grad goes out during the week the night starts with, "I am going to only have a beer." This my friends is a bold faced lie. Let's be real here and face the facts, no SDSU alumni can have a get together talk about the grand old days of drinking for weeks at a time and only consume one beer. Monday night was no different.

After Coachella I found some party favors in my car and have been carting them around in my purse waiting for an opportunity to put them to use. Now I had no idea that when I brought this to the attention of some of my guy friends that they were going to use this party favor on the Almost Birthday Boy visiting. Now when someone is not so suave and tries to pull one over on the Birthday Boy and slip something into his drink, he is clearly not going to chug his now fizzing drugged beverage.  Being the nice (and by nice I mean insane) person I am I swapped drinks and drank the fizzing substance.

So today I just want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a fantastic individual who puts up with my whining and bitching everyday, and who overall supports my decisions good or bad. But he should be thanking me for being awesome and partying it up on a Monday night. You are welcome my friend you are welcome.

Coachella: Oh. M. Gee.

Four days later and I am still dealing with the Coachella plague. BUT it was all 100% totally worth it. Camping with some of my favorite people in the desert, frolicking on the grassy knolls of the polo fields, and dancing the night away to musical perfection all made my weekend magical. Despite the gnarly car searches and spending 5 hours at an In-n-Out overall the whole experience was amazing and needs to be added to everyones bucket list.

Now, why is it that anywhere I go ghosts of dudes past haunt me? Dudes of Dates Past started haunting me even before venturing into the desert last week. First and foremost Jew Boy texted me asking if we could forget how things ended...oh you mean forget that I told you you are a weirdo and was over it? Anyways he wanted to meet up, lets just say I ran for the effing hills during Kings of Leon when I saw him. I had no desire to see if his mom had accompanied him to Coachella to make him dinner and get good standing room for all the shows.

Then there was LA Dude. Holy freaking needy. He seemed to have broken up with his latest and greatest wife to be and was in need of a Coachella Companion. He pestered me for a solid morning making sure I would hang out with him. Beyond that he wanted me to find him a wife, blow job girl for the weekend, and perspective hook-ups. Was this somehow in the terms of him buying me dinner that I am no responsible to find him a way to get head? I don't effing think so.

Fast forward to Day 1 of the best weekend of my life. He sends me a text announcing his arrival so I tell him I will meet him in the back of the Sahara tent. I venture to the back of the tent see him in the distance and go up and say hello. For one he acts like he has no idea who I am and no joke this asshole says three whole words to me and scampers off with a very nice girl to get a drink. He proceeds to text me later in the weekend only when needing a blow job, which I told him could be purchased by the churros and frozen lemonade, and for a ride when his car battery died. So a few things I have to say to my dearest LA Dude. 1. It is no wonder you are single, you are a basket case of emotions. 2. Please don't come to me with your needs because I could give two shits. And 3. Please don't chat with me about making plans ever again because quite frankly I have nothing more to say to you other than fuck off. The world does not (despite what you think) revolve around you my friend.

None the less Indio I will see you next year for another weekend of Lady Gaga sky writing, hour long discussions on flying ducks and collar bones, and endless amounts of giggles. Peace. Love. Coachella.

Appropriate Times to Lie.

I am only ever honest. Honesty real is the best policy. However I am all about lying at Planned Parenthood to for one score birth control as well as to avoid judgement from registered nurses who think I need to keep my legs closed. Last year I lied through my teeth. I of course lied about my number and no way was I going to say how much I really drink in a week. But this Saturday I decided that since I am safe about my bedroom activities it shouldn't matter if I lie or not...

I walked into my 8:30am appointment hungover and wanting to be in my bed. I filled out my necessary paperwork and waited. I got my finger poked and peed in the cup for the annual testing and waited for the questioning to commence. The nurse comes in, brown bag in hand and sits down.

First order of business she asks me about my annual vag examines and other medical questions and then moved onto the fun part.

Nurse: How many new partners have you had?
Me: (Counts on fingers) 5.
Nurse: In the past year?
Me: It was a crazy year.
Nurse: Are you in a monogamous relationship?
Me: Clearly not.
Nurse: (Walks over to drawer opens it and pulls out more condoms)

She didn't even ask me about my drinking, but I think she assumed the worst as my answers clearly are not what she wanted to hear. I've decided I had it right the first time around, lying to avoid judgement is beyond appropriate.

Self Check Out.

This has nothing to do with anything, except that fact that most individuals are stupid. Self Check Out at all major grocery stores is freaking amazing. Mainly because when I shop I like to catch up with people on my phone so I don't have to be rude and not talk to the cashier because I can do it myself. BUT STUPID PEOPLE are totally fucking up the whole thing for everyone.

So dear stupid effing people who have a cart full of groceries. Self Check Out is not for you. I am not sure if you are aware they still have cashiers and baggers to assist you in checking out your $250 worth of groceries. Also to the people with non bar coded items are you freaking kidding me? Who really wants to go through and figure out which damn avocado or onion you grabbed. Again the cashiers are trained to know all of this shit so freaking go get in line.

Its the little things in life that make me happy and most stupid people ruin it. So to all of the above please go get in the regular lines so I can Self Check Out efficiently and in peace.