The Crazy: Ivan You Will be Single for Life

So I went round 2 on disabling my OkCupid account because clearly it was not finding decent matches for me at all. Between men that want to get married, to men that live with there mothers I was getting severely over it. But as I've mentioned before its kind of like an addiction I can't kick. Hi my name is Rachael, R-a-c-h-a-e-l, and I am an addicted to online dating. I think its because who knows maybe my soul mate is out there browsing the web and looking for me and who am I to disable my profile and prevent him from finding my amazing self. I also missed reading the messages. They literally are pure entertainment.

Yet again I decide to put myself online for the third time. I revamp my profile and immediately get some messages. No one worth my time. Some overall mediocre looking guys with mediocre personalities. Included in that I got a message from a kid named Ivan. Overall it was a message discussing my horoscope and how he would love to meet for coffee. Well unfortunately Ivan I am 0% attracted to you and your profile was not in the least bit humorous or interesting. Guys that take online dating serious kill me. Typically I won't respond and some guys take the hint that I am not freaking interested. BUT not Ivan, no Ivan decides to send me this little gem a few days later.

I know this doesn't mean anything to you,
but it'll at least make me feel better.

So honestly,
go fuck yourself.

and I mean that as
sincerely
as the first message I sent you.

I hope you have an awful
awful day.

SERIOUSLY, WTF? He cannot be serious? I read it an immediately died laughing. Like he decided to take the time to sign in, find me again, and send me this god awful message. Strangely enough it made my day. I mean he obviously was pretty damn offended and pissed off that I did not want to have coffee with him. Kind of boosted my ego, he wanted to meet me so badly he felt the urge to send me hate mail for ignoring him. I am going to go out on a limb here and say Ivan is still single because he doesn't cope with rejection well at all.

My advice Ivan is calm the fuck down. Just because I don't want to meet you does not give you the power to go tell me to fuck myself. Which in my response to Ivan I politely agreed to do because dudes are beyond DOUCHES. Here I was trying to be polite by pleading the fifth and he get seriously angry because I didn't respond saying Ivan thanks for the offer but you are not what I go for and I would never ever have sex with you. I think my silence said it way better. It's guys like Ivan that make me want to stay single for the rest of my life.

So to Ivan. Yes I will go fuck myself because you will never have the opportunity to do so because you are a nut case. And to wish someone an awful day is just plain rude. How on earth do you expect to find someone when you are an asshole. You need to take a deep breath and stay positive. Look how quickly you brought so much negativity and animosity to the table, to hell with you I would never date you. EVER.

21st Century: Girls Take the Lead

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, Thanks Webbie for reinforicing how to spell that correctly. Anyways independent woman, what the hell does that even mean exactly? To me its my positioning in a relationship. I want to be independent. I am no feminist and I still believe in chivalry and men buying me drinks and dinners, but the fact remains that I still want my own independence. I want this thing called personal space, girls night out, and whatever else I need to achieve this independent woman status. Basically I want my cake and I want to freaking eat it too.

Rule #6: Be independent. Take the lead.

Back in 1920 when women were granted the right to vote life for woman changed dramatically. If it were for women like Susan B Anthony my parents would have found my husband, I would be at home knocked up turning butter and baking pies like Betty Crooker. I am thankful that I can wear revelaing clothing, talk about obscene things, and generally do whatever a man can do. Reevaluating why I am still single and how to become a girlfriend girl I've decided I need to take matters into my own hands.

Let's face it. Men are useless a large precent of the time. They are good for fixing things likecars/dishwashers, a little afternoon delights, and paying for my vodka tonic addiction...AA is for quitters so don't even recommend it. Men are also, most of the time, afraid of women, especially independent women. I have a friend that is an amazing guy. Seriously I would probably date him but as I have slept in his roommates bed, and am sleeping with one of his best friends, I am out of the running. He is funny, motivated, employed, supports himself, and is getting his bod into prime shape. He also has a femalphobia - the fear of women. When approaching females he well doesnt really have any sort of game at all. Period. Its quite sad, but it made me think. Maybe my prince charming is femalphobic as well.

With the independence I have also been blessed with the ability to communicate well, with men especially. So why shouldn't I be the one to walk up to a good looking guy in a bar and let fate/nature/my sex drive take its course? Usually I will give someone the eyes. You know, the flirty smile and starring from across the bar to give off the yea you need to come talk to me vibe. But maybe I am going about this the wrong way. So my newest rule is if you have any interest at all in a dude take the lead and approach him first. Plus guys love a girl with confidence so why not start off showing it off? Lord knows I have plenty.

Hooking Up: It's Not For Everyone

Here's the thing its not like I don't have feelings, its just I have the capability of turning my feelings off. I like to think its part of my charm. It has its perks because not only can I protect myself from douchebaggery that exists everywhere I can also have sex and have it be just that. Just plain sex. Not making love, not anything but straight up sex. The downside obviously is I am more guarded than the freaking White House so when I do actually have feelings its hard for me to express them, but that's a whole different topic for a whole other day.

Rule #5: You may not have feelings when strictly sleeping with someone.

This is a rule that I completely 100% always follow, and trust me it is easier said than done. I've seen countless girls try and battle this demon and watch as it defeats them over and over. Ladies I don't do well with tears so if you do not have the strength to keep feelings out of your sheets then stop. It is not a situation for everyone. Some of my friends use the mentality that is she can do it so can I. News flash I am abnormal and have commitment issues, my feelings switch has come from baggage and past crap.

Where I may not be a girlfriend type of girl like most of my friends, I do take pride in my ability to not give a flying fuck. Countless times ive heard my friends say I am just doing what you do. Then a week later I am wiping tears and pouring pity shots because she didn't follow the rules. Strictly hooking up with people is a hard battle to win and most girls can't hang. There is nothing wrong with having feelings. Nothing at all. There is something wrong with girls who try and pretend not to have feelings and really do.

My piece of advice is if you have feelings invested strictly boning is completely out of the question. And if your feeling switch is in the off position, by all means get it on.

The Vibe: Single or Girlfriend?

Cosmopolitan recently told me San Diego has more single eligible bachelors that most cities in America. Wikipedia told me that San Diego State University besides being Playboy's #3 party school in 2009 has one of the hottest student populations in the country. With all this being said how in the hell am I still single and have called San Diego my home for close to 5 years now. Let me tell you my friend that I have come up with a theory that will make histroy. Ok, thats a total lie but if you think about it there is definitely truth in what I am saying. And if you have ideas of why I am still single, I am all effing ears. Right now I am in the stage of what the hell is wrong with me?

Have you ever heard about The Secret? It was a documentary and a book that helps people visualize their dreams and aspriations and eventually they will all come true. The bottomline is this whatever kind of energy you put out into the world, positive or negative, that is what the universe will send your way. Think about it like this - You are running late to a date, work, school. wax appointment, what happens. You hit every flipping red light. You are sending negative energy into the world and the universe is giving it right back. On the oplitical yesterday my roommate and I were applying this to the dating world.

For the past 5 years I have been the token single girl. Don't get me wrong I loved it in college. I am a firm believer in having a full blown college experience and yes that includes shacking at frat row, taking the walk of shame in last nights outfit with no shoes, leaving class to throw up, and drinking on Wednesdays. But now as my alumni status is set in stone I can't go around acting like a freshman anymore. So here is my theory. There are two different vibes the single vibe and the girlfriend vibe. I clearly have the single vibe on lockdown. I put that into the universe so sure my weekend stories are a bit more entertaining than the most, but recently I have decided I want a dude.

Yes, I said it. Single girl is trying to jump on the bandwagon. But how oh how do I switch on the girlfriend vibe? I honestly do not have the slightest clue. I know for sure I have to stop sleeping with people when I first meet them because that's clearly the slut vibe, and dudes don't date slutty girls. And I want to clarify I use the word dude because I don't want a serious relationship where he is going to purpose after date 2, sorry LA Dude. I want someone to hang out with on occasion, have some meals with, eventually sleep with whenever we feel like it, and to just have someone. Another highlight would include him being in my bed in the AM, the bone and dash is getting a bit old and is just plain rude. A topic for a different day includes me sleeping with people to keep them around, little hint to the world this never works. I still want to be able to go out with whomever I feel like, do whatever I want, and hang out with my guy friends without my dude getting jealous.

Overall I see myself as a pretty entertaining person, who else do you know that hitchhikes to bars, dances on tables, and has a knocked her tooth out while partying. Shit, see here is my problem. I don't think guys want to date girls like the above, because well I am hazardous, maybe even dangerous and can't be trusted after 5 vodka tonics. But here's my plea of defense. I am looking for someone to have fun with, to get to know, to see where things go. I am fun, cute, and I am not bat shit crazy so you would think this would be an easy task. It should not be too hard as San Diego is filled with single men, but I need to shift my vibe or I will be limited to my vibe if you catch my drift.

PDA: Rules & Regulations

I am a nice person. At least I would like to think I am. I know some of my friends would disagree but in a general sense I am. Sure if you piss me off or give me reason to hate you I can be a total bitch. I also believe that because I am so outspoken and bluntly honest people take that for being bitchy, take it however you want but I think that's bullshit. Anyways when lucky number 3 called me asking me to go on another date my nice self couldn't decline. My hopes were maybe he moved out of his mothers womb and into a new apartment. Here's the thing with hope and expectations, I try not to mess with either because they both lead to frequent disappointment. Regardless we decided to go to lunch Sunday, a decided lunch because maybe he'll get the hint that I am not 100% down for the cause.

It turns out that one of my bestest friends was coming down Saturday night so I told him I would have to call him Sunday morning after she left. As usual my friends and my bff from home tend to get a bit out of control, and my best friend ended up talking to the jewish momma's boy. The conversation from my end was hysterical, she asked him if his roommates aka his mom was hot and talked me up so much that I'd even want to date me. She even told him that it wouldn't just be me tomorrow that we could have a double date. But unfortunately when I woke up Sunday morning all I wanted was coffee and a blunt. We go to breakfast make a stop and before noon rolls around I am feeling much better but am in desperate need for a nap. My date calls to see when he should come and pick me up and to tell me how awkward he felt telling my best friend that he lives at home. Here's a hint if you are embarrassed to talk about it than maybe its time to move out.

Anyways after our phone call I smoked entirely too much and passed out. I woke up at 3 o'clock dazed and confused with 1 missed call and 2 text messages. I had stood him up. I, in this moment, would indeed use the word bitchy to describe the circumstances. Its one thing to just ignore someone but when you have plans its just plan rude so my conscious set in and I called him back. He didn't answer. He was pissed. I am secretly thinking this is a great thing its my way out. Ten minutes later my phone buzzed away and after a short conversation he somehow was coming to pick me up. I know I know you are all thinking run for the damn hills, but as I said before I really like attention and he hit me in a weak moment. I was tired, high, still kind of hungover and why not have him pay for my meal.

We make it to a cafe in La Jolla and sit in comfortable chairs that face the water. The thing about this kid is we have entirely too much in common. We both moved to new cities when we were 6. We both have the same fake tooth. And it turns out he used to smoke and dealt weed for 9 years. The funniest part about that is he was more nervous to tell me that that he lived at home. My advice dude is start dealing again and pay your own rent. So the conversation is fine and I am thinking to myself maybe we can just shift him into the friend category and call it a day. This was not his thought process at all. As we get to talking he is getting closer and closer to me. Touching my leg, my arm, putting his arm around me. I was getting beyond uncomfortable. It weird because when it comes to sleeping with people and being naked I love it, but PDA come on now we are not in love or officially dating by Facebook standards.

My PDA Rules & Regulations are as follows. 1. Holding hands is acceptable but only in crowds 2. If we are in a full blown relationship you may kiss me in public for no longer that 25 seconds 3. You may not sit on the same side of the table as me EVER if there are only 2 of us 4. You may put your arm around my shoulders but only if I am cold and 5. You can kiss me goodbye if you have purchased dinner for me twice. My PDA Rules & Regulations are not like my other ones that fly out the window when I am in the moment. And for the record that one time at Thrusters when I made out with that guy that looks like the black kid in High School Musical totally does not count. I have hated PDA my entire life. So when this guy tries to full on make out with me in the middle of a god damn restaurant I about freaking died.

I have no doubt in my mind that in that moment of molestation that he would be down to strip right there and do it on the table. Sorry was not going to happen. The only person that ever has any opportunity at that fantasy is Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom but they would have to be in full out pirate gear. And to top it all off why would anyone want their first kiss to be watched by strangers. I either want it to be somewhere freaking awesome or in my bedroom, its just how I roll. And unfortunately for number 3 there were no sparks flying, none, zero, nada, nothing, so he is really out the running now. I was left back in square 1 trying to figure out how to get on the next Bachelor. I would make fabulous TV.

III: Jew'Momma

Third times a charm, or so they say. After the disappointment of the first being a winner and then bailing and the second having an eye problem, I was beyond reluctant to go on anymore OkCupid dates. At one point I disabled my account because when I signed on and had someone from my high school who I hated as an 80% match gazing at me from my match list, I flipped. But for some reason online dating has become a borderline obsession. I mean its free entertainment on a daily basis, and quite frankly I like talking about myself. But date number 3 could have been mistaken for a game of Mindsweeper with the number of red flags that shot up during our dinner.

Rule #4: Stay clear of the umbilical cord boys.

At first glance number 3 has potential, meaning he looked good on paper and by paper I mean my computer screen. Fit my age demographic of 23-30, had a stable job, lived in San Diego, passed all my qualifying questions, and took my sarcasm with a grain of salt. Also he could hold his own in our texting conversations. Speedy responses, kept the conversation going, not awkwardness at all. So when he asked me when we were going to offically meet the plans began. First he was trying to take me on a dinner cruise, I declined as I refuse to be stuck on a boat with anyone I am meeting for the first time. To be honest I am not the best swimmer and would hate to ruin a good cocktail dress if I had to jump ship. I also refused him picking me up for similar reasons. You always need away out, always, no exceptions.

I pulled up the the restaurant a little late and walked inside and recgonized him by his description of at the bar wearing a blue stripped shirt text message I had just received. I give him the once over and where he isn't the hottest guy i've dated he had two normal eyes. I also am beginning to think I don't actually know how tall I am. I swear he said he was 5'10" and looks to me he isn't but maybe I am just unaware of how tall I am especially in boots. But whatever he could have been taller. So we sit down order some rolls and started talking topics that I wouldn't classify as Date 1 topics.

Topic #1 - Religion. Almost immediately this kid starts talking about his Jewish roots. For anyone that knows me well or even remotely at all knows I do not believe, practice, or fake being apart on any organized based faith. Because I am a firm believer in honesty is the best policy I straight out say I would never convert. I did however celebrate Hanukkah once because my mom wanted my brothers and I to be cultured, and again when I was in college because Hardy Hanukkah sounded way better than Hardy Christmas (and who doesn't like a 7 day gift exchange?) Anyways my point is I get that its a huge part of this dudes life, let alone his face with the jewish schnoz, but it makes me uncomfortable to talk about. My head is flashing warning signs because I could just visualize me refusing to go to temple and his family hating me for my agnostic beliefs. I mean I will let my kids make their own decisions about religion but if you would please take the invisible yamaka off so we can move on thanks.

Topic #2 - His Mom. I have a great relationship with my mom. She is one of my best friends and I talk to her 7 times a day. Yes she knows I am sitting across the table from some guy I met online and after I leave we are going to go over everything from what he was wearing to what he does, BUT I will not tell my date any of this. I simply respond to yes I get along great with my family, however my date didn't feel the same way. I think its because of the jew thing, I mean really Jewish Moms are the worst. Involved in every aspect of their children's lives, and his was no different. He basically told me his mom was disappointed that I'm not Jewish and thought it was weird I judge people who use Colgate toothpaste. Well I think its weird she doesn't understand that Colgate is the worst tasting toothpaste ever and if you like Colgate we are clearly not meant for each other so there. But that was the least of my worries. As I find out he just moved out of his current apartment he just moved into a house. I am thinking ok great upgrade, and then he drops a bomb. He lives at home, with his mom.

I understand people move home because they can't afford to support themselves, and guys mature slower and yada freakin yada, but this guy actually wanted to move home. He tells me he is trying to save to buy a house. Sorry I am not buying it for a second. No one self respecting employed 27 year old wants to live at home unless he still has his umbilical cord attached. Now my warning signs are complete alarms and the red flags are waving. My apologies but its hard to date as it is and I don't need to date you and your mother. Lets face it she already hates me because I don't know the Torah. Do me a favor and crawl back in her womb, where it is also rent free.

Inbox: Talking to Women

There are two good things about meeting prospectives in bars. The obvious is free drinks, you want me to talk to you thats fine but i'll take my usual. Secondly is you may get cheesy pick-up lines and lame openers, but the world of online dating is an entirely different ball game. Word to the wise I get there are those of us who date online because we are "busy" with life and can't meet people, but majority are socially awkward upper 20 year olds who play too much XBox and are so used to only talking to other greasy nerds through a head-set they aren't even sure what a female sounds like. Or they are in the Navy, Marines, Army, etc.

One of my favorite messages ever came from a non-athletic, borderline casper white, nerdy, looking individual and it said this:

" I was looking through my matches and saw all these poor, desperate, and lonely girls that are all online, and then I found you. I clicked on your profile and thought wow shes poor, desperate, lonely, and cute"

No joke. First of all its one thing for my guy friends to make fun of me and call me desperate to joining an online dating site at the age of 22, but news flash asshole you are online too. And yes it is true that girls are attracted to assholes (sorry Mr. Nice Guy but its how the world works) but here is my thing with humor and sarcasm. You can only use it in a situation like this if you are someone like Brad Pitt. I know its terrible and shallow but I only speak the truth. If you are going to blantenly be a dick you have to be attractive. Do you think Lindsay Lohan would be able to be such a crazy bitch if she was fat and ugly. The answer is no, she may be a ginger but at least shes kind of pretty.

Moving on. The next message I have receives a number of times:

"Hey gril."

Unless your name is Usher or 50 Cent this is not going to work for you. Like the above you can only be mysterious and not upfront with facts about your life if you are tall, dark, and handsome. That line does not work on me in bars, it sure as hell is not going to work when you have my profile of useless information about me to start a decent conversation. I mean lets be real this damn online dating has specific questions for a reason so of all the things to say at least 3/5 guys someone fucks up and uses a one liner that doesnt even deserve to be read.

I've clearly had message that some how attract my attention in some way. The concept is pretty easy. Read my profile first, pick something that we either have in common, or that you find interesting, type it up and hit send. Guys act like its effing rocket science. Girls like attention, we like to see you have an interest in us, and not that just you looked at my picture and I am not an troll like the one you are probably currently dating. The good news is if I don't start getting qaulity messages I have about 14 different guys I can select from that have sent me invites including address and phone numbers to come blow them. Now this is why I'm meeting guys online, yeah right...