Molly Mittens: Story of a Needy Boyfriend

There aren't many girls like me in the world. I'm pretty irreplaceable. Reasons to date me include: I can get ready in 20 minutes and look fabulous, handle my alcohol, have a sex drive like no other, my blow jobs are amazing, I like personal space, am employed, can hold a conversation, and won't make you pay for every date. All in all I think I am a pretty wonderful catch. I found my Partner In Crime when I was employed at the Natural History Museum. She is similar to me in all of the above and we both hate relationships but find ourselves constant dealing with assholes and douchebags alike. Currently Ms. Molly is dating a Stage 5 Clinger.

Molly recently relocated to Olympia, WA and like me began her quest to find a Mr. Right Now on OkCupid, despite the fact she has a boyfriend. Anyways my PIC had quite the weekend when a past fling found his way up north with his band. With Valentine's Day right around the corner Molly isn't heartless and felt bad breaking it off with her current beau right before the most romantic day of the year. It worked out in her favor, she not only got wine wasted she also got Scrabble Deluxe Edition.

We are both alike in that we do not by any means get along with needy clingers. We like to live our lives as we see fit so I really do not want at all to have to check-in with someone throughout my day. Her dude in the course of 24 hours typically will call/text at least 9 times. A note to Molly's dude that is 9 times too many. Molly is like me in that we are not a fan of PDA, unless you have limited time with someone or you are wasted (but lets be real for us that is a majority of the time). As we were catching up yesterday Molly tells me that she was lucky to have just received the Deluxe Scrabble and not the other half of the gift. Her dude wanted to get her "Smittens" (pictured above).

You probably are confused to what exactly Smittens are. Well my friends its away to keep your hands warm while still being able to hold your loved ones hand. I DIED. A few things. The first being Molly needed to end things with this dude like yesterday. Secondly whoever invented these terrible terrible mittens should be shot. Really? Mittens that allow you to hold hands. It literally wants to make me jump off a cliff. A note to men everywhere do not EVER purchase these, also if you receive them from a girl run for the fucking hills.